Happy Birthday
It was a blazing day. I was at my cabin filled to the brim with excitement because the next day was my fifth birthday. I decided to play in the little patch of trees by our cabin with my two cousins. As I approached a dark scary tree , I saw something which I though was a pinata . Thinking my family was hiding an pinata from me, I took a stick and started whacking the pinata. A gigantic swarm of wasps came flying through the air. I ran to my mother ,she was shocked to see me swelling with pain. My birthday with was spent with polysporin the next day
I really liked the idea of your story, but the part where it says "I was four years old" is unnecessary because in the next line you say that you are turning five the next day. I also think you can add some more descriptive words, but overall great story!
ReplyDeleteI really like your story it made me laugh. I noticed that in one of your sentences you have a space before your comma when it should be a space after your comma.
ReplyDeleteI think your story is funny but kinda rushed.
ReplyDeleteWow, a great story this week. I don't think you need your opening line, as it is not important to your story, but you can jump straight to "I was at my cabin filled to the brim with excitement..." as it gives us enough details to set the scene. The last line needs some revising as you might want to put the "next day" part at the beginning of that line. Be sure to use the feedback from your peers.
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