Rainy Days
The rain drizzled on my back as I walked home from school. As usual my rain jacket at was home and was forced to walk home with nothing but a pink t shirt. Why did life have to make me live so far! I am perfect . Ok, maybe I steal my sisters candy, but still I’m good. I stomp in a puddle and watch the clear blue water splash against my mud splattered boots . But in the distance I see it . My house! I ran as fast as I could. As soon as I get there the door opened and there it was . My heater.
When you say "as usual my rain jacket at home" I think it would flow a bit brtter if you said " as usual my rain jacket was at home"
ReplyDeleteThe third sentence needs a qestion mark instead of a exclmation. Also it doesnt make sence to me because it jumps to "I am perfect and even if i steal my sisters candy..." Then it goes back to her outside. Then it jumps to a heater. I just find it jumping, but if you use wirds like "I thought" it will help it stay on track.
I liked your story, but I think you could replace some of your words with more descriptive ones, such as "good" could be replaced something else. And you have spaces before your periods that are unnecessary, but overall, great story!
ReplyDeleteI really like your story, although I do agree with Castiel and Lillytiger, you could add more descriptive words I stead of four letter boring words, and it is a little confusing at the beginning when you say my rain jacket at home, instead of my rain jacket was at home.
ReplyDeleteBe sure to use the feedback given to you by your peers to improve your story. I agree with some of you peers on their ideas to help improve fluency. Your story starts off strong but then just ends without wrapping up your ideas. Your story just ends abruptly.
ReplyDelete